Online Harassment & Cyber Stalking: charged with stalking but it continues
All bloggers love receiving comments. It’s their life blood. There’s that thrill that most creative people crave and the buzz when their work is acknowledged or their audience grows. Creative people NEED to entertain in whatever medium they have chosen to work. Sadly online harassment and cyber stalking can be an unwelcome side-product of a life online. And often, despite being charged with stalking the harassment can continue.
I am a blogger and one day when I was checking my new contacts I felt sick to my stomach. A name from my past had popped up on the screen in front of me.
A man who had been convicted of stalking and harassment and who had been charged with a LIFETIME non-molestation order by a British court and ordered to stay away from me and who was in addition banned from attempting to make any contact with me had signed up to follow my blog.
Now he hadn’t just typed my blog name Scarlet Jones Travels into his browser. He had specifically signed up to receive my free guide ‘Things to know before you travel’ which meant that he would now be sent an email every time I posted an article.
That’s not simply stalking. That’s also harassment.
Why would anybody do something like this after being charged with stalking in a court for his crime? Research comes up with some possible reasons.
- It could be because he is arrogant and believes himself to be above the law.
- I have a totally awesome blog and he doesn’t want to miss a single post.
- Maybe he is a narcissist and has no empathy or consideration for anybody except himself.
- Perhaps because he is controlling and manipulative and he is determined that he WILL have the last word.
- He is a bully who wants me to know that he is still watching me and keeping tabs on me.
- And/or he hates to think that I can cope without him and I am getting on with my life (yes, I was once married to this man for twenty five years!)
Who knows what goes on in a mind like this, but I could go on all day listing possible reasons as to why he thinks he can stick two fingers up at the British judicial system.
Living with the Dominator
Pat Craven has written an absolutely AWESOME book called ‘Living with the Dominator‘ which explains all about emotional abuse far better than I can. Pat outlines varies character types and the reasons why some people feel the need to bully, control and manipulate. In my opinion, everybody should read this in order to understand the insidious creeping strangulating problem that is domestic violence. You may be lucky and not experience an abusive relationship first-hand but one in four women do.
Could you recognise the signs? We keep them well hidden you know.
Previously this man who signed up to follow my articles had actually taken the trouble to track down some of the people who had commented on my blog and he sent them nasty and inappropriate emails. He had taken the trouble to contact friends and business associates that I have collaborated with and he had advised them that they shouldn’t be working with me.
Because I left him!
What to do about cyber stalking?
I am in the business of blogging. Blogs are public.
I am not able to remove his name nor am I unable to block him from my ‘follow’ list. He has to unsubscribe himself. Fat chance of that! (Refer to the same list of possible reasons above)
The funny thing is that when this man was questioned by the police he claimed that I was the one who continued to make contact with him. Hmmm….NO!! (Note: women will also stalk and harass. This is not just a male thing)
Whilst I love to engage with my audience, the delivery of my blog articles is fully automated. I have more than 10,000 followers across my social media sites but I can’t imagine why my stalker is sitting at home and getting excited every time a blog update from me pops into his inbox. Apparently I have ruined his life so why would he be interested in mine?
Other blogger friends have their trolls who follow them and who give them problems too. What makes my situation different is that my stalker has served a sentence of two hundred hours community service for his crime of harassment and stalking. Yet still he continues.
I feel NOTHING for him.
And I don’t care about his life. I don’t care in the same way that I don’t care what the uncle of Joe Blogs who lives in Kansas is doing.
They say that the best revenge is a good success. I am not out for revenge (I truly DON’T care) but as my arrogant, narcissistic stalker will no doubt be reading this as may your own arrogant narcissistic stalker, I want to point out that I am getting on with my life.
I am living a nomadic lifestyle and working via my laptop I am supporting other survivors of cyber bullying and emotional abuse – the sort that destroys one’s self esteem. I help survivors believe in themselves again via the Smash the Pumpkin Project.
- I will not stop blogging
- I will not close down my business
- I will not stop writing
I will live MY life MY way
- I will continue to inspire and to encourage others
- I will continue to bring you articles about my travels
- I will believe in myself and not in the crap that I was fed during the time that I was with this man
Stalking Awareness now has its own campaign week allocated to it in the national social calendar along with Quit Smoking and the National Walk to School Week. Domestic violence and especially emotional abuse has been running as a storyline in the British radio drama, the Archers which has raised awareness and the domestic violence laws in the UK have recently been improved..
There is much more understanding about the effects of coercive control and things are slowly improving in favour of the victim survivor.
We, the survivors, are not the ones who should be adapting our behaviours. We should not have to change our names, or move home or relocate to a different continent.
We can however take steps to protect ourselves – you could carry a personal alarm – this small one fits in the palm of your hand– and you should always be aware of your surroundings.
Can you identify with the issues in this article?
If you are reading this and you are a rational human being do you think that it is fair to subject a person to unwanted and uninvited attention?
Can’t you accept that no means no? I don’t love you anymore actually means I DO NOT love you anymore. Or maybe you subscribe to the school of thought that says that women invite rape because of how they are dressed or maybe you think that it’s fun to pull the legs off a daddy-long-legs?
And what does your current partner think of your obsession if you have one? Are they happy with the situation – or perhaps you have also manipulated them and undermined their self confidence? Are they aware that you have a criminal record for HARASSMENT? That should be a red flag in anybody’s book. Leopards don’t change their spots nor can you teach an old dog new tricks.
- I started blogging as a means of communicating my situation to friends and family when I was too stressed to tell them what was happening in my life.
- I started travelling because I had always wanted to experience new cultures and traditions and to know what it was like to feel free.
- I continue blogging because of you, my audience, you who contact me by email, Facebook, personal message or who enter your comments at the end of my blog articles. You – my reader – who asks me what the chicken buses are like in South America or what fried crickets taste like.
- I continue travelling because I love the lifestyle and the freedom. I no longer have to think up excuses about why I forgot to record Coronation Street or explain why………..!
(And on a travel related note I can fit most of my life into my Osprey Rucksack which I LOVE and fits me so well I don’t feel restricted or confined in an emergency – I can’t recommend this bag highly enough) – you can find out for yourself at this link
If you have been affected by online harassment or any of the issues raised in this article; maybe somebody you know has been charged with stalking and won’t stop, then do drop me an email or comment in the box below.
If you are that person who is carrying out the online harassment and stalking – then stop it right now. For your own sake and for those around you. Get a life and be happy.
And if you are a survivor of domestic abuse and as a consequence you have low self-confidence or low self-esteem, I will be able to help you with that.
The Smash the Pumpkin Project is a system of support and empowerment which is especially relevant to anybody who is a survivor of domestic abuse (although not exclusively for survivors of domestic abuse – it’s suitable for just about anybody who likes a challenge). You can now sign up and trial the first month – a donation will be appreciated if you like and benefit from your experience.
Click on the box below to get more details about the course or contact me by email at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want further information.
The Smash the Pumpkin Project
Smash the myths; live your dreams
This post contains affiliate links and/or references to our advertisers. We may receive compensation when you click on or make a purchase using these links
Scarlet Jones Travels is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for sites to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to Amazon.com
You are an inspiration. Continue what you are doing, keep enjoying your life and live it to the full. Too many people in the world who like to control and dominate others and stop them from living a beautiful life, its because they are weak and don’t have a life themselves. Discard them and do what you want with your life. I Love what you are doing and love reading about it. Don’t stop, for anyone xxx
Thank you MEG K so much for your encouragement. It really does mean a lot to me. I just really wish that he, and others like him. could move on. Most do, although for those that can’t, I suppose it just shows how deeply motivated they are to bully others
I don’t usually listen to the Archers but I’m following this with great interest Jane !
So sorry to hear that you are continuing to be harassed, it is beyond belief.
Thank you Pauline. I used to listen to the Archers so I am sorry that I am missing this focus, but I am so pleased that emotional abuse is being highlighted. Until you live it a situation like that you can’t begin to understand the term ‘living on eggshells’.
Great article honi & I simply can’t get my head around your stalker … his behaviour is sad to say the least. My opinion is he’s troubled because you took away the control he craves. Many women, myself included, have suffered from similar abuse. Thankfully, eventually, a lot of us see the light and leave those unhappy, dominating men behind. Making you feel bad makes them feel better about themselves but ultimately they always lose! I hope your ex realises what a strong, beautiful inspiring woman he has lost. Your happiness will grate. Any women out there reading this who understands, I so recommend you joining this course, you too can become who you truly are, NOT what someone else tries to bully you into being.
I’m so sorry you’re still going through this. Maybe calling him out like this will make him stop, but probably not. Narcissism runs deep. But just focus on what you said here: you are living life YOUR way, and it is rich.
That is all so true Caitlin. I just wanted to share my story – and from my the number of personal messages that I have been receiving, I was right to do so. It has touched a chord with a lot of people
You and your course are truly inspirational. Onwards and upwards!
Thank you Julie
We understand the frustration and sadness this silent torture causes you. Please take this back up with the authorities on your return and give him back some grief. He still doesn’t get it. He obviously loves being a keyboard warrior, instead he’s just a keyboard worrier. Keep on sending those fabulous reports and pictures. All our love Bill & Moira
Haha Bill and Moira – I like that phrase – a keyboard worrier. It reduces this to the sad act that it is.
Am so sorry to learn he is at it again sad person that he is He does not learn from action taken against him Jane live your life darling and enjoy it your energy and enthusiasm cannot be dampened by an excuse for a man that he is He exists you live
Thank you Jane as always for your encouragement. Glad you’re back in the UK safe. I will be in touch Jane